Ratchet and Clank: Once Upon A Valentine
by Stohne Rohse
Summary: Ratchet, Nefarious, and Captain Qwark are on their last year of High School, and the Valentine's Dance is coming up. Ratchet's got a date already, Qwark's feeling pretty confident he does too, leaving Nefarious to hope his crush will go. With no idea how to go about the situation, the three take romance advice from the school janitor. Will it work out they way they intend? {DIFC}
1. Social Food Chain

**_I, Stohne Rohse, pledge that in no way am I claiming ownership, nor that I created the characters QWARK, RATCHET, DR. NEFARIOUS, COURTNEY GEARS, SIGMUND, TACHYON, LAWRENCE, LORD FLINT VORSELON, CLANK, KLUNK OR TALWYN APOGEE in this story. I will never attempt to claim any monetary value nor financial gain from this story. My purpose for these stories is for writing practice in a peer-reviewed environment and for the enjoyment of the fans and users of this site only. _**

**_**PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS IS AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE IN WHICH YOUNG NEFARIOUS, RATCHET AND QWARK ARE ALL IN HIGH SCHOOL AS FRIENDS. JUST SO YOU'RE NOT CONFUSED. :)_**

* * *

><p>The harsh sound of the bell ringing startled a boy out of his daydream. As he was staring off into space, he was imagining himself sitting on a bench at the top of a hill at sunset, holding hands with Courtney Gears. He cursed the bell under his breath as he gathered his things, glaring at nothing. <em>It was such a nice dream, too. <em>

Across the room, he heard that Qwark had already started flirting with Natalie Gears, who simply turned her head and ignored him. The boy watched him with shining blue eyes and perked ears until Qwark noticed him and approached.

"Did you see how close I was? She was this close to looking at me!" Qwark exclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air. The boy shrugged.

"You were at least a millimeter closer."

Qwark shook his head and continued as if what his smaller friend had said _wasn't_ meant as an insult.

"I've got her right where I want her, don't you worry, Nefarious. She's just playing hard-to-get! I know she likes me, I just know it." Qwark said without doubt as he puffed up his chest and flexed his arms. Nefarious rolled his eyes, shaking his head.

"Sure, Qwark. Whatever you say." Nefarious murmured, staring off at the wall.

"How's everything going on your end? You asked her yet?" Qwark asked, dropping his voice low. Nefarious snapped his blue eyes back onto Qwark, red hue washing into his freckled cheeks.

"N-not yet." Nefarious responded hesitantly, immediately dropping his gaze onto the floor.

"Tch. Well, that's too bad. Hey! Hey, Ratchet!" Qwark's attention immediately flew to the Lombax who was just entering the classroom. The orange Lombax's ears perked when he heard Qwark's voice.

"Hey, there, Qwark!" He called back, approaching the twosome with his tail swinging happily behind him.

"How goes it with Tal?" Qwark asked, punching the Lombax lightly in the shoulder.

"Oh, yeah, she asked me if I'd go to the Valentine's Dance." Ratchet rubbed the back of his neck, smiling up at his friend. Nefarious shifted uncomfortably as he heard him speak. Now even the Lombax has got a date...

"And?" Qwark smiled wide, leaning in slightly for his friend's answer.

"Well obviously I said yes!" Ratchet exclaimed, returning the smile.

"Awesome! I'm so proud of you!" Qwark threw his arms around the Lombax, swinging him around the room before dropping him and lightly punching him again. Ratchet stumbled a bit before standing up straight and smiling again.

"Thanks, big guy. How's it with Natalie? She said anything to you yet?" Ratchet decided to ask the same question.

"Oh, I'm _super_ close! She's falling for me, I just know it!" Qwark exclaimed, rubbing his hands together.

"Would you guys just shut up about it already!? _Sheesh!_" Nefarious suddenly exclaimed, turning his back on them and blushing furiously. The twosome went quiet, then exchanged grins.

"What, are you jealous?" Ratchet asked teasingly, crossing his arms and raising a brow.

"No!" Nefarious snapped.

"You are, too, Nefarious! There's no point in lying about it, y'know. I have a girlfriend, and you don't. Just the way it goes." Ratchet explained, glancing at Qwark in between words.

"Yeah. It's called the social food chain. You're a nerdy looking guy, plus you have headgear. Plus a big head. Plus you're kind of ugly. No one's gonna want to go out with something like that." Qwark chimed in, counting with his fingers each time he said 'plus.' Nefarious shot him an angry glare, which he responded to with a sheepish grin.

"Seriously, Qwark? _Seriously?_" Ratchet asked, giving Qwark a cynical stare.

"What? It's true!" Qwark retorted, shrugging his gigantic shoulders once. Ratchet sighed, shaking his head and putting a hand on Nefarious' shoulder.

"Look, if you want some help trying to get someone to go to the dance with ya, I could help out," Ratchet said, attempting to smile against Nefarious' sharp stare. "and I'm sure Qwark wants to help, too." Ratchet threw his head around to shoot a stern glare at Qwark, who shrugged again.

"Yeah, yeah. Sure." Qwark replied, not appearing to be paying much attention. Nefarious stared at the Lombax a moment before he curtly pushed Ratchet's hand off his shoulder and took a step back.

"Yeah, right. I bet you're just _DYING_ to help." Nefarious snapped, narrowing his eyes. Ratchet laid his ears back, quickly becoming impatient.

"You're lucky I'm even offering." Ratchet quickly retorted, mirroring the glare.

"_You're_ lucky I haven't already strangled you, Lombax."

"You're lucky I haven't already knocked your headgear down your throat!"

"Alright, alright! Knock it off, you guys!" Qwark stepped in between the two, cutting off their glare stream. "This is no time for your petty squabbles!"

"Oh, but I think it is!" Nefarious shoved Qwark out of the way to continue glaring at the Lombax, whose tail was lashing with anger.

"No, it's not! Nefarious, do you want a date to the dance or not?" Qwark blocked Nefarious' view and planted his hands firmly on his shoulders to prevent him from moving again. Nefarious frowned, narrowing his eyes.

"...Yes." His voice was barely comprehensible as he spoke through gritted teeth and metal.

"Okay, then! Thanks for the answer!" Qwark exclaimed, letting go of Nefarious and nearly backing up into Ratchet.

"We can help, Nef. Me and Qwark have more experience." Ratchet chimed in with a much calmer tone, even though his ears were still laid back. Nefarious scowled at the floor.

"Fine." He mumbled with an unenthusiastic tone.

"Good. Now, c'mon. It's time for lesson one." Qwark began out the door with Ratchet following close behind. Nefarious hesitated before picking up his pile of books and papers, and following his friends out the door.


	2. Help From the Janitor

"Alrighty. Step one to getting a girlfriend is personality," Qwark began the lesson as he sat down to join Ratchet and Nefarious at their empty table. "You gotta approach and be real nice when trying to get a lady friend. Girls don't like snippy nerds like yourself." The man pointed a finger at Nefarious, who seemed to be largely trying to ignore the man as he poked at his spaghetti with a disgruntled expression.

"I hate spaghetti." Nefarious mumbled, throwing his fork down on the table and pushing his tray away.

"Wha-? Are you even listening?" Qwark exclaimed, slamming his hands down on the table, causing the school-made spaghetti to quiver.

"Probably not." Nefarious offhandedly responded, holding his chin in his palm. Qwark groaned in frustration.

"Look, what he's trying to say is, girls won't talk to a guy if he's threatening to rip out their eyes or something weird like that. You gotta be approachable, and you gotta smile, and you have to make lots of compliments." Ratchet explained, biting into an hourglass shaped fruit.

Nefarious thought about this a moment, before he straightened up a bit and attempted a smile, showing off his slightly pointed teeth and silvery headgear.

"Like this?" Nefarious asked through gritted teeth. Ratchet forced himself to stifle a snicker.

"Yeah, just like that." The Lombax's ears twitched as his covered his chuckles. Qwark, on the other hand, looked anything but amused.

"You might try showing less teeth. You look like some kind of nerdy teenage vampire." Qwark commented, poking his index fingers together as if uncomfortable. Nefarious' smile became a frown. Then, he rolled his eyes and tried again, this time doing as Qwark instructed.

"Ah, much better." Qwark sighed, returning the smile.

"Okay, good. You've got the look. Now all we need is to change up your greeting and teach you some compliments. Now, pretend Qwark's someone you've never talked to before. How would you compliment him?" Ratchet gestured towards Qwark with one of his ears. Nefarious' blue eyes shifted onto Qwark.

"Wow, you're at least ten percent less ugly than someone I saw yesterday." Nefarious sounded like it was literally his best attempt. Ratchet put his hand on his face.

"No, that's not a compliment." The Lombax sighed.

"It is, too! I said _less_ ugly! Implying that they're somewhat _nicer looking_ than previously mentioned individual!" Nefarious argued, scowling.

"It's still not something you'd say to a chick if you were trying to get her to go to a Valentine's Dance with you, Nef."

"It depends on who I'm asking!"

"It depends on if you find someone who will even put up with your jerkish attitude!"

"Is there a problem over here?" A different voice had entered the conversation.

"NO!" Ratchet and Nefarious retorted at the same time, turning to face the one who had interrupted their conversation. When Ratchet saw who it was, he immediately regretted letting himself lose his temper. The one they had snapped at was the school's custodian, Sigmund, who looked utterly shocked.

"Oh, geez." Qwark murmured, scooting a few inches away from the Lombax to avoid getting involved in their predicament.

"Sigmund! I'm real sorry about that. I was just...having an argument with Nefarious, is all. I didn't mean to snap at you." Ratchet's ears drooped as he apologized, his green eyes darting around the cafeteria at the people who were now staring at him with wide-eyed expressions. Nefarious said nothing, avoiding eye contact with the school janitor.

"Oh...um...it's okay, Ratchet. So...er..._is_ there a problem?" Sigmund seemed much more hesitant to ask the same question after the result he got previously.

"Yeah, Ratchet. _Is_ _there_ a _problem?_" Nefarious hissed, narrowing his eyes. Ratchet looked at Nefarious, then back to Sigmund, who looked concerned for an answer.

"...Nah, we're good, Sigmund." Ratchet finally said. The cleaner bot hesitated a moment.

"Are you sure? You two sounded like you were really getting after each other. And I might not look like it, but I know a disagreement when I hear one." Sigmund said, his yellow eyes darting between Nefarious and Ratchet a few times.

"Well, my custodian friend, we were discussing how to get Nefarious a date for the Valentine's Dance, and let's just say it's not going anywhere." Qwark suddenly jumped back into the conversation, putting an arm around the cleaner bot and gesturing towards Nefarious. Sigmund appeared to perk up after hearing Qwark's comment.

"Oh, I get it! Trying to get him a date, huh?" Sigmund exclaimed, clasping his hands together and smiling. Qwark and Ratchet exchanged confused glances while Nefarious simply scowled at the floor.

"Yeah. We are." Ratchet said charily, raising an eyebrow.

"Ahh, yes. I can still remember my Valentine's Dance. Y'know, I might be able to help you guys out. I might not look like it, but back in my day, I was quite a bachelor." Sigmund grinned and winked at Nefarious, who shot him a glower.

"Oh, really?" Ratchet sighed, disbelief riddling his voice.

"Yup! I might be able to get you kids some tips! Follow me!" In an instant, Sigmund had hovered out of the cafeteria. The threesome stayed behind a moment, considering their options.

"Wow, I never would have guessed." Qwark rubbed the back of his head, watching the cleaner bot leave.

"Right? I wonder, though. How much help do you think he'll be?" Ratchet glanced sideways at Qwark. Nefarious' eyes widened.

"Wait, you're actually considering taking advice from the _JANITOR?!_" He exclaimed, whirling around to glare at Ratchet, who shrugged.

"I guess so. I mean, what have we got to lose?" The Lombax said, starting off after Sigmund out of the cafeteria.

"Oh, I've got _A LOT_ to lose!" Nefarious snapped after him, clenching his fists.

"You _do not_. Now, c'mon, let's see what Sigmund has to offer." Qwark pushed Nefarious along as he walked by him. Nefarious let out a long growl, before stomping after them.

He followed Ratchet and Qwark to the janitor's closet, where Sigmund was waiting, fiddling around with the keys on his belt.

"Come on, come on...Ah-ha! Here it is!" The cleaner bot held a large key in the air before shoving it into the lock on the door and pushing it open. "Here we are, the janitor's closet!"

"Wow. Lucky you, it's about two percent less nasty than what I was expecting." Nefarious huffed, frowning as he entered the room behind Ratchet and Qwark.

"Thanks!" Sigmund exclaimed, not taking the insult the way it was intended.

"Alright, Sigmund. How about that advice? I've got a ham sandwich with my name on it back there." Qwark crossed his arms.

"Right, right. So...you're trying to get a date, am I right?" Sigmund grinned at Nefarious and Qwark.

"Why else would I be here?" Nefarious snapped, narrowing his blue eyes. Sigmund blinked, appearing unfazed.

"Good, good! Now, who have you got in mind?" Sigmund asked, leaning in slightly. Nefarious took a step back from the cleaner bot, blushing vaguely.

"That's none of your business." Nefarious hissed, looking at the floor. Still unfazed, Sigmund simply looked from Nefarious to Qwark, as if expecting him to answer for him. Qwark stared at the cleaner bot a minute, as if not understanding, until he finally caught on.

"Oh! Yeah, he's got eyes for Courtney Gears." Qwark looked down at Nefarious once, only to see that he was blasting him with a furious glare. He also couldn't help but notice that his bad-tempered friend was blushing bright crimson. As an act of precaution and to prevent provoking an attack, Qwark stifled his laughter best he could and shifted his gaze back to Sigmund, who appeared to be completely in denial of Qwark's answer.

"...Did I hear you right? Courtney Gears?" Sigmund asked, shooting skeptical glances at Nefarious every so often.

"Yes." Qwark nodded once.

"The one robot girl?"

"Yes."

"The one who says she writes music?"

"Yes."

"_Seriously?_"

"_Yes!_" Qwark was getting impatient with the cleaner bot, and in his peripheral vision, he saw that Ratchet was snickering and Nefarious was getting redder by the minute. Sigmund stared for a long while before he shook his head and continued on.

"Right. Right, okay. Umm...how about you, Qwark? Who's on your radar?" Sigmund asked, tapping his index fingers together.

"Ah, I thought you'd never ask. I've got my eye on miss _Natalie_ Gears." Qwark puffed up his chest and winked, causing Nefarious to roll his eyes. Sigmund took on the same reaction as before.

"Her _sister?!_"

"YES!"

"_JEEZ LOUISE!_ And I'm guessing Ratchet over there has a crush on her THIRD COUSIN OR SOMETHING?!" Sigmund was utterly shocked as he pointed at the Lombax, who threw his hands in the air and took a step back.

"No! I'm with Talwyn!" Ratchet quickly replied. Sigmund's eyes remained wide before he put his hands on his head and took a deep breath.

"Alright. Alright. I'm good, I'm good. Nothing wrong here." Sigmund fidgeted a moment before putting his hands on his chest and taking another deep breath. Nefarious was the one to break the awkward silence that followed.

"Great going, Qwark. Now he's never gonna help us." He growled, crossing his arms and scowling. Sigmund immediately looked up.

"Hey! _Never_ let it be said that I'm not a bot of my word, Nefarious! _Ever!_ I'll still help you guys out, I'm just a little...surprised is all." Sigmund tried to hide it, but everyone else in the room could tell he was choosing his words very carefully.

"We can tell." Ratchet mumbled, appearing startled after the janitor's sudden outburst.

"Alright, alright. Now, you're trying to get dates with some of the most popular gals in the school, so this might be a bit tricky. Lemme just go get my book of tips, and we can begin." Sigmund hovered to the far end of the room, where there was a large and very dusty bookcase. The janitor skimmed a finger across the dusty spines of the thick books until he reached a particularly thin book with a red cover. Pulling the tome out, Sigmund brought it back to the threesome and blew the dust off of the cover, causing the group to sneeze.

"Here she is. Old reliable. I've had this since _I_ was in high school." Sigmund sighed, brushing the cover lightly with a finger.

"Great. So you've got your stone age guide in how to ruin your life. What's next?" Nefarious hissed, crossing his arms. Sigmund didn't even flinch.

"What's next? _What's next?_ Step one, of course!" Sigmund exclaimed as he opened the book and turned a few pages before skimming over it with his yellow optics. "Yes, here we go. Step one...oh, wait, we already did that." Sigmund mumbled turning more pages. Nefarious let out a dramatic sigh and opened his mouth to make a comment, but was immediately silenced by Ratchet, who shot him a warning glare.

"Step two! Wait...we did that, too." Sigmund began rapidly flipping through pages, becoming progressively more worried. "What in the name of...What kind of idiot..." Sigmund had begun muttering to himself. Ratchet and Qwark exchanged puzzled glances.

"Um...Sigmund?" Ratchet spoke up, trying to look over the janitor's shoulder. The cleaner bot flipped through at least twenty pages over the next few seconds before he suddenly exclaimed and slammed the book shut, nearly causing Ratchet to fall backwards.

"Fifty-five steps! FIFTY-FIVE STEPS OF DISCLAIMERS AND KISSING DIAGRAMS! WHAT A RIP!" Sigmund hurled the book across the room, glaring.

"Wh-what?" Ratchet took several steps away from the cleaner bot, his ears laid back. Sigmund growled, glaring at the book while it lay on the ground with the spine up.

"Lousy piece of junk," The janitor grumbled, crossing his arms and turning back around to face the threesome, who were staring at him with startled expressions. "Sorry about that, guys. Guess we have to do it my way."

"Oh, FANTASTIC!" Nefarious sighed dramatically, throwing his hands up in the air and turning on his heels.

"Oh, come on, Nefarious. It's not _that_ bad. That book _was_ from the stone age. We've got a better chance with Sigmund than some author who's probably been dead for thirty years, anyways." Qwark commented, stepping forward. Nefarious frowned while Sigmund beamed.

"Hey, thanks, Qwark! Now, c'mon you guys, let's go see if we can't find those lovely ladies. I've got a plan."

* * *

><p>Hello, my lovely readers! Once again, I'm making a shoutout to LollipopHorizon on Deviant ART! Remember, Sticks 'n Stones! :)<p>

And it would be real nice if you all left reviews for this. I'm always looking to get better, and I also want to know if you think a character could make an appearance in this. In my upcoming chapters, I will have Vorselon, Tachyon, and Lawrence making appearances! Any recommendations? Give me some! :D

~Raven


	3. Help From That Cragmite Smuggler

"Alright. So the plan is, we find them, I tell you what to say, and I'll see if I can't hook it up. Sound good?" Sigmund explained as he hovered ahead of the threesome, making sure to stop each time they reached a corner to cautiously peek ahead.

"Um...Sigmund? I don't think it's gonna work." Ratchet said as he anxiously lagged behind.

"Oh, no, it'll work." Sigmund replied, looking down a hallway.

"Yeah, it better work, or else _Neffy_ over here will have a nervous breakdown." Qwark teased, punching Nefarious lightly in the shoulder. Nefarious went bright red, glaring up at Qwark with gleaming blue eyes.

"Don't you _DARE_ call me that! _EVER!_" Nefarious snapped, pointing a finger in Qwark's face. Qwark shrugged, pushing his friend's hand away from his face.

"Geez, sorry...Neffy." Qwark smirked. Nefarious let out a furious growl, clenching his fists and opening his mouth to speak. But before a single insult could escape Nefarious' mouth, Sigmund cut him off with a happy exclamation.

"Ah-ha! There they are!"

Qwark and Nefarious' attention immediately flew from each other to the two robotic women standing in front of the lockers down the hallway just ahead. Courtney and Natalie both stood just a few inches away from each other, chatting away, completely oblivious to the small group's presence.

"Alright, fellas. Moment of truth. Now, what you have to do is approach, smile, then give 'em a compliment. Then, after you've got their attention, which I know you will, break the ice with 'would you mind going to the Valentine's Dance with me?' Success is almost guaranteed!" Sigmund exclaimed, beaming at Nefarious and Qwark.

"Sounds easy enough. How about you, Nef?" Qwark looked down at his friend, who said nothing and simply stared straight ahead.

"For better results, I suggest you two go separately." Sigmund commented, floating back a space and looking between them.

"Wait, wait, wait. WHAT?!" Nefarious suddenly snapped out of it, his eyes going wide.

"What, you can't handle going by yourself?" Qwark asked with real concern, looking down at his friend, who snapped his gaze onto him so quickly it made him flinch.

"NO!" He quickly answered, beginning to shake uncontrollably. Qwark and Ratchet exchanged glances.

"Geez, you're really nervous, huh?" Ratchet rubbed the back of his head, appearing very uncomfortable around Nefarious' apprehension.

"I...I...I don't know if I can do it...she'll say no, I just _KNOW_ she will..." Nefarious' eyes started darting all about the place.

"Whoa, whoa. Calm down, Nef. _Caaaalm_." Qwark planted his hands on Nefarious' shoulders to keep him from moving. "How about this, I'll tell Courtney she's got a crush, but I won't tell her who, and that way, she won't know it's you. It can be a blind date!" Qwark brought up the idea, grinning. Nefarious shot him a horrified look.

"That's a _TERRIBLE_ idea!" Nefarious groaned.

"Well, I don't hear _you_ coming up with any ideas."

"But...what if she won't do it?"

"Dude, she has no idea who's asking her. It could be Derek Beeper as far as she knows."

"But what if she realizes it's me and leaves?"

Now this was a question Qwark didn't have the answer to. He thought a moment, coming up with nothing.

"Double date!" Sigmund suddenly exclaimed, clasping his hands together. Qwark and Nefarious shot him a confused look.

"What?" Qwark asked, tilting his head.

"It could be a double date! If Courtney and Natalie are sisters, and they have dates with you guys, they most likely won't want to separate! Plus, you two could go together so Nefarious doesn't have a stroke while you're there! It's a win-win!" Sigmund explained. Even Ratchet looked impressed.

"Oh, yeah. That _is_ a good idea." Qwark commented, letting go of Nefarious and stepping back. Sigmund grinned, straightening himself up, looking proud of himself.

"Alright. I'm going in. You guys stay here." Qwark made finger guns as he stepped away from Ratchet, Nefarious and Sigmund. Courtney and Natalie didn't notice Qwark until he spoke first, and judging by their expressions, his intro was either very tasteless or they were simply very uninterested.

The conversation most likely began with some of Qwark's famous arrogant tough-guy spiel. Nefarious couldn't hear what he was saying, but from what he could tell by reading the robot girls' expressions, he wasn't as good at talking to girls as he said he was. Sigmund, Ratchet and Nefarious watched intently for at least five minutes before the two robot girls exchanged confused glances, then finally spoke, causing Qwark to make an exclamation of happiness that could be heard from across the hall.

Courtney and Natalie stared at Qwark a moment before walking away together, not taking another glimpse. As they left, Qwark turned to face his audience, then made a goofy thumbs-up pose.

"I can't believe it. He actually did it." Ratchet murmured to himself, his green eyes wide with shock.

"You did it, Qwark! I knew you could do it!" Sigmund cried, dashing forward to congratulate Qwark.

"Yeah! Did'ja see me? Did'ja see that? _That's_ how you talk to the ladies! Smooth and 100 percent _not _nervous!" Qwark gloated, puffing out his chest and grinning.

"Uh huh. Right, sure. What'd Courtney say about Nefarious?" Ratchet appeared uninterested in Qwark's success, and seemed more concerned about Nefarious', causing the small boy to look up at the Lombax with wide blue eyes.

"Oh, yeah! She totally said yes, man. You've got yourself a date!" Qwark exclaimed. Nefarious gave him a shocked look.

"She...she did? She said yes?" Nefarious stammered, blinking.

"Yep! Sure did!" Qwark repeated. Nefarious stared a moment later before a wide grin of pointed teeth and headgear creased onto his mottled face.

Ratchet chuckled.

"Hey, look at that smile. It's nice, Nef. Really nice." The Lombax complimented. The smile then disappeared almost as quickly as it had come.

"Oh, yes, but this is far from over. A day and a half before the dance, and I've got nothing planned!" Nefarious groaned, starting to pace, looking nervous again.

"Hey, you're already past the hard part. All that's left to do is figure out what you're gonna say and wear. Piece of cake!" Sigmund chimed in.

"It won't be that easy, Sigmund. Courtney doesn't know that's she's got a date with Nefarious, so we gotta make him _really_ presentable...or else." Ratchet said, stepping forward.

"Mmm...Good point, Ratchet. Good point, indeed. Luckily, I know just the place and just the right person to get you something cool to wear and something smooth to say." Sigmund did an eyebrow wiggle. Nefarious gave him a look in response.

"Alright, Sigmund. You haven't led us wrong yet. Lead the way." Ratchet smiled at the janitor, gesturing down the hall.

"Follow me outside, fellas!" Sigmund was already halfway down the hall by the time his words could be heard.

When the group finally caught up with him, he was standing just behind the school in front of the central dumpster.

"Are you guys ready to find some genuine outfits?" Sigmund asked, beaming.

"Are you serious? The school garbage? This is where we're going to get nice clothes?" Nefarious asked skeptically, raising an eyebrow.

"Not exactly _from_ the garbage, Nefarious." Sigmund replied before turning around and banging on the side of the metal dumpster. There was a moment of loud shuffling from somewhere behind the dumpster before a small Cragmite emerged, wearing thick glasses and an old-looking crown made of cardboard.

"What is it, you bucket of bolts? I was in the middle of my beauty rest." The Cragmite spoke in a high-pitched voice as he stretched his arms and blinked sleep out of his eyes. Sigmund turned around.

"Fellas, this is Percival Tachyon. One of my...let's say...advisors." Sigmund introduced the Cragmite standing behind him.

"And he lives in the garbage?" Ratchet asked disbelievingly, eying the Cragmite as if he was on fire. Tachyon let out an annoyed snort.

"Not _in_ the garbage, _behind_ the garbage. Stupid Lombax." Tachyon grumbled, narrowing his eyes at Ratchet.

"Tachyon, we're here because we're looking for something nice that this young fellow here can wear on a date. Got anything like that?" Sigmund asked, bending over slightly so as to hear the Cragmite better for his response.

"Wait? You're trying to get the Lombax a date? HA! Well, all I can tell you is that a nice outfit isn't what he needs. All you need to do is go find some catnip and go walk around in the alleys for a bit!" Tachyon cracked up into a wheezy laugh, holding his sides. Ratchet frowned, but before he could open his mouth to retort, Sigmund interrupted him.

"No, no. For Nefarious." Sigmund made a gesture at Nefarious, who glowered. Tachyon immediately stopped laughing and his expression returned to a glare.

"Oh. Yeah, sure, I probably got something. Lemme go check." Tachyon skittered back behind the dumpster. There was a loud shuffling, a slew of incoherent cursing, more shuffling, then he reappeared, dragging a tuxedo in a plastic bag behind him.

"Lucky you. I _did_ have one." Tachyon grumbled, throwing the plastic bag down on the ground in front of Sigmund, who immediately picked it up and examined it.

"Wow. This is almost in mint condition!" Sigmund exclaimed happily. "Thank you, Tachyon!"

The Cragmite rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, yeah. The price on that is 50 bolts." He grumbled, crossing his arms. Sigmund looked down at his belt and stuck a hand down one of his pockets. A second later, he pulled a fistful of various bolts from his pocket and began counting them quietly under his breath.

"48...49...50. Here you go, Tachyon." Sigmund dropped the bolts on the ground in front of the Cragmite, who scrambled to pick them up as soon as they reached the dirt, as if suspicious one of Sigmund's followers would steal them.

"Pleasure doing business with you. But not you, Lombax. I hope you become tomorrow's roadkill." Tachyon hissed at Ratchet before crawling back behind the dumpster without a single other glimpse.

"He's a great guy. I've never gone wrong with him before, so I guarantee we can trust this tux to look absolutely awesome!" Sigmund exclaimed, seeming to not have heard Tachyon's last comment as he turned around to face the threesome.

"Your Cragmite friend is kind of a shady character, Sigmund. How'd you meet him?" Qwark asked, looking over his shoulder as if trying to spot the Cragmite again.

"Well, one day I was taking out the trash, and I saw him digging a hole under the dumpster. I asked him what he was doing, and he...I think he tried to rip out my sisterboard...but anyways, after I fought him off, I let him live back here. Sometimes I bring him food, sometimes he sells me stuff. It's kind of a symbiotic relationship." Sigmund explained. The three friends exchanged concerned glances. "Anyhoo, that's outside of the point. We gotta get this cleaned up and get you two ready for your date tomorrow!" Again, Sigmund had dashed into the school before anyone could think twice about it.

"Hurry up, slowpokes!"


	4. Math Class with Mr Vorselon

Lunch break had ended before the group had found where Sigmund had gone. Instead of continuing their search, they went to their rightful classes. Nefarious had immediately decided that Sigmund's lessons weren't worth missing class, and his friends quickly agreed. After all, Sigmund would understand. They are still in school, after all.

When the fifth period bell rang, Ratchet left their company for an Honors English class while Qwark and Nefarious departed for Mr. Vorselon's Advanced Math class. And just like any other day, Nefarious found himself wondering how Qwark had made it into an advanced class. _Every day_ they walked together to math, he found himself asking himself the same question. It was absurd that someone like Qwark had made it into such an esteemed course group, but no matter how hard Nefarious pushed himself, he could not find any evidence against Qwark's math ability to question.

Reaching the classroom, Nefarious seated himself down in his desk, glancing briefly around the room. Vorselon was nowhere in sight, and so the students that had arrived were chatting noisily to one another. Nefarious kept quiet, looking around and tapping his finger on his desk.

When the bell finally rang, Vorselon appeared in the front of the room as if out of thin air, silencing the class immediately.

"Good day, class." The Terraklon cyborg growled in a gruff tone, his single blue eye narrowed into a sharp scowl.

"Hello, Mr. Vorselon." The class responded unenthusiastically. Vorselon swept his eye over the class for a moment before turning around, swiping a piece of chalk from the counter in his pincers and meeting it to the board.

"Today is going to be a fairly simple day. I need you all to practice for your test next week." Vorselon growled, scraping the white chalk on the board to scrawl 'pages 31-34 do all' across the entire board in shaky handwriting. "This is your assignment for the day. Nothing more, nothing less. Done by 1:30." The Terraklon growled as he put the chalk back down on the counter, crossing his arms behind his back and slowly walking to his desk in the far corner of the room.

Nefarious sighed, pulling his math textbook from the bottom of his stack of books. Poking a finger between the inside of the book and the cover, he slowly open the book, then proceeded to lethargically flip through the pages. After just a moment, he leaned back in his chair, taking his hands off the book and letting them fall to his sides. He wasn't in the mood to do math at the moment.

Sighing quietly, Nefarious looked up from the book and turned in his chair to face Qwark behind him, who had his chin in his palm and an uninterested stare locked on the clock. Nefarious thought a moment, made a brief backwards glance at Vorselon, then turned back to Qwark, cupping his mouth in one hand.

"Qwark." He whispered. His bulky friend looked up with a slightly startled expression that quickly became an amused one.

"Well, this is new. You've never cut math before, Nef..." Qwark snickered quietly, raising an eyebrow. Nefarious blinked, holding back a scowl.

"I don't have any motivation for math right now. I'm just...thinking." Nefarious sighed, rubbing his forehead.

"'Bout what?" Qwark asked, sounding wholeheartedly interested as he shifted his body to rest his chin on the backs of his hands.

"Just about...stuff." Nefarious hesitated, turning his gaze to the floor.

"What kind of stuff?" Qwark sniggered, grinning mischievously. Nefarious rolled his eyes.

"Okay, okay. I'm worried about my date tomorrow. I'm still afraid she'll leave."

"No, no. She won't."

"But what if she will?"

"She won't."

"_Qwark._" Nefarious' voice had become anxious, and he was beginning to shake again. The bulkier Kerwanoid was silent for a moment before he shook his head and extended a hand to lift Nefarious' chin.

"No. She won't. I swear she won't leave. After all, you've got the High School's most eligible bachelor with you! She'll be _begging_ to stay!" Nefarious couldn't help but roll his eyes at this statement. Of course Qwark had to point himself out. But this time unlike every other time, Nefarious wasn't mad at him for it. Nefarious blinked a few times before leaning back slightly.

"Well...did she seem interested when you asked her?" Nefarious asked, watching his friend with curious blue eyes. Qwark shrugged.

"Not really, but that's just how chicks are. They rarely change their facial expressions. But I'm sure she really wants to-" Qwark was cut off by someone clearing their throat in front of Nefarious. Dread swept into Nefarious' heart, and he slowly turned back around in his chair, only to see Vorselon with his back bent so he could be ominously close to Nefarious' face. So close, in fact, that Nefarious could hear his quiet, labored breathing through the glass of his mechanical suit.

"I do not appreciate talking in my class." The Terraklon growled slowly, his eye narrowed to an angry sliver. Nefarious shrank back under his teacher's glare, hot embarrassment flushing through his face. _Breaking the rules in one of the strictest classes...how humiliating... Everyone's probably staring at me..._

"Such a disappointment. I would have expected more from you, Nefarious. Now tell me, how much time would you like to spend after class? One or two hours?" Vorselon snarled, standing up straight again so he could look fiercely down at Nefarious. But before the scrawny Kerwanoid could respond, Qwark's voice from behind startled his mouth shut again.

"Mr. Vorselon! Nefarious wasn't talking, I was. I was...telling him some stuff. He didn't say a word." Qwark lied, standing up out of his seat to face the Terraklon's scowl. Nefarious shot a glance backwards at Vorselon, who had a dubious stare locked on Qwark.

"...Is this true, Nefarious?" Vorselon's gaze was suddenly back on Nefarious, who flinched. He opened his mouth to speak, but once again, he was interrupted.

"Hey, c'mon, Flint! You know Nef, dont'cha? He's a total rule bird! Especially in math! And you also know me! I'm constantly running my mouth! Yep!" Qwark shot a grin down at Nefarious as he spoke. Nefarious, on the other hand, couldn't help but start to panic. What was Qwark doing?! Why was he doing this?! He's going to get himself in trouble!

Vorselon thought a moment, shifting his gaze between Qwark and Nefarious a few times before his fanged jaws parted again.

"Hm. I should have guessed you had something to do with this, Copernicus. Three hours detention after school. Tonight." Vorselon ordered as he took a step away from Nefarious.

"Yep. Sure thing." Qwark offhandedly responded before plopping himself back down in his chair. Vorselon let out an annoyed grunt at the action before looking back to Nefarious.

"Apologies, Nefarious. I'll be more watchful next time." The Terraklon said in an ominously grim tone as he narrowed his eye one last time at Qwark and headed back towards his desk.

Nefarious barely had any idea what had just happened. He was caught talking...he knew that happened for sure, but what did Qwark do exactly? He jumped up out of his seat...then took the rap for what Nefarious had done? Had he really done that? It didn't seem like him...not at all. Nefarious turned his head slightly to look back at Qwark, who was looking at him the entire time.

When their eyes met, Qwark gave his friend a wink and a smile.

What in the world was going on with Qwark?

* * *

><p><em>ALOHA~! Well, now Valentine's Day is only a week away, and I haven't even reached the part where they go on the double date. Sheesh louish I gotta get it ready and up soon! This is a VALENTINE'S DAY SPECIAL, DANGIT! Anyways, I thought our friend Flint Vorselon would make a fantastic math teacher, and I had a lot of fun writing this chapter for that particular reason. Anyone noticing something different with Qwark yet? No? Well pfffffffffff.<em>

_Anyhoo, please review!_

_~Stohne Rohse_


	5. I Owe Ya One

"Don't'cha just love his handwriting? I sure love his handwriting. Take a look at this. What the hell is 'deetensha fur tulkang in claz' supposed to mean?" Qwark's complaining immediately began as soon as they stepped out of the Terraklon's classroom and started to read the detention form he had been handed on the way out. Nefarious gave him a silent look, still completely shocked by his previous actions.

"Or what about his signature? If that's not funny, I don't know what is. Some math teacher, huh?" Qwark chuckled as he pointed to Vorselon's signature, just before shoving the paper down one of his pockets. Nefarious remained silent once more, avoiding eye contact. Qwark must have noticed, because he stopped walking and laid his gaze on Nefarious.

"What's got you so quiet, huh? Oh, wait, it's 'cause you've never been chewed out before. Heh." Qwark tried to stifle the chuckle that followed his comment. Nefarious looked up.

"Why did you do that?" He asked quickly, giving his friend a startled expression. Qwark paused a moment, not expecting his friend to ask such a question.

"Um...I dunno. You would have done the same for me, right?" Qwark replied, shrugging. Nefarious narrowed his eyes.

"No. I wouldn't have." Nefarious snapped, but found himself inwardly admitting that he was lying to both Qwark and himself. He wasn't sure what was telling him this, but it made him feel sick to his stomach.

Qwark didn't seem bothered by his friend's response.

"Well, whatever. You're welcome." Qwark huffed, shrugging again before starting off down the hallway. Nefarious watched him, feeling guilt suddenly well up in his chest. Qwark had helped him, that was an undeniable fact. But the feeling was back, telling him that his response to Qwark's question was also a lie and shoving guilt down his throat. It hurt, and Nefarious couldn't deny that he didn't mean what he had said.

Then, Nefarious gave into his guilt. He had to make things right. Not that he had much of a choice, anyways...

"W-wait! Qwark!" Nefarious suddenly blurted out. The bulkier Kerwanoid turned on his heels slowly.

"Yes...?" Qwark replied wryly, obviously forcing a grin.

"Who's got detention tonight?" Nefarious asked quickly, looking around the hallway for any listening ears.

"Um...I think it's Lawrence tonight. Why?" Qwark responded hesitantly, his fake grin becoming a solemn expression. Nefarious narrowed his eyes, looking around the hallway once more before taking a step towards Qwark and dropping his voice low.

"I'm gonna try and break you out of detention." Nefarious whispered. Qwark's serious face became one of pure horror.

"What!? Are you crazy!? I might be below the rules, but I'd _never_ break out of detention!" Qwark exclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air.

"SHUT UP, QWARK!" Nefarious hissed quickly, looking around the hall for any that might have heard his outburst.

"You're crazy. I'm not doing it." Qwark crossed his arms and turned his back on Nefarious, his chin in the air. Nefarious growled impatiently, then walked around Qwark to stand in front of him again.

"You idiot! I'm trying to do something nice for you, don't you get it? I owe you after you did that!" Nefarious pointed a finger in Qwark's face, his blue eyes narrowed. Qwark's expression softened.

"I thought you said you wouldn't have done the same for me." Qwark's voice was solemn, but his expression held mischief, making Nefarious feel more embarrassed than he should.

"Yeah, well...I...changed my mind." Nefarious mumbled, turning to avoid eye contact with Qwark. There was a brief pause before Qwark spoke again with an ecstatic tone of voice.

"Aww! Come here, you!" Qwark exclaimed, suddenly throwing his arms around Nefarious and locking him into a tight embrace. Nefarious cried out with pain and surprise, immediately shoving Qwark away and gasping for air.

"Never do that again!" Nefarious panted angrily, holding his sides.

"You're great, Nef. Thanks so much." Qwark sighed, smiling happily to himself. Nefarious brushed himself off and looked around to make sure no one had seen what had just happened.

"Yeah, yeah. I'll be there right after school. Look for some kind of signal." Nefarious hissed, starting off down the hallway.

"Thanks again, Nef!" Qwark called after him. Nefarious rolled his eyes, then continued down the hallway to complete his day.

XXX

The final bell shook Nefarious out of another daydream. This time, he was slow dancing with Courtney Gears and was coming very close to kissing her. Growling angrily, Nefarious slammed his book shut and crossed his arms, glaring at nothing while he stood up and left the room. It annoyed him that he could never finish a good dream.

Before he could take but five steps down the hall, a familiar voice suddenly shouting his name stopped him. Turning on his heels quickly, Nefarious saw the school's social worker, Clank, rushing down the hall towards him.

"Oh, great. What is it, Clank. And before you even ask, I wasn't the one that trashed the lockers on the west wing." Nefarious growled, rolling his eyes.

"No, no. I am here on account of Sigmund. He wanted me to tell you that your tuxedo has been washed." Clank said quickly, looking rather exhausted.

"Good to know." Nefarious grumbled, turning around to continue on his way. Clank stopped him quickly.

"And he also would like to speak with you. He is waiting in the janitorial closet for you."

"Why didn't he just come and find me? It isn't that hard to track down my schedule."

"He had business to take care of."

"Sure he did."

"Would I lie to you?"

"I dunno. Would you?"

"Nefarious, I do not appreciate your attitude."

"Do I look like I care?"

"Nefarious."

"What?"

Then, Clank did not speak, and simply stared with narrowed optics. Nefarious stared back until the weight of the robot's glare became too much and he forced himself to look away.

"Is there something troubling you?" Clank asked after a brief silence, crossing his arms and staring skeptically at the scrawny Kerwanoid.

"No." Nefarious responded quickly, biting his lip.

"Are you quite sure?" Clank persisted.

"Yes." Nefarious snapped, looking up suddenly and narrowing his eyes. Clank returned the stare before he blinked his optics and began walking away.

"Fine, then. Sigmund will be waiting for you."

Nefarious glared at the robot's back as he walked away, considered chasing him down and kicking him down the hallway. He was just the right size for it, and he could make it look like an accident...

Nefarious then shook his head violently to clear the plotting out of his head. No matter how bad he wanted to put that snooty bot in his place, he couldn't risk being put in detention with Qwark. That would be breaking a promise. A promise Nefarious reluctantly made to himself. Letting the wish go, Nefarious sighed and began towards the janitor closet.

Best go see what Sigmund wants. _After all, I've got some time before detention begins..._

* * *

><p><em>Hej det~! Hey there~!<em>

_Happy Valentine's Day everyone!_

_This story was meant to be my little Valentine's Day present to all of my lovely readers, and I was hoping to have it done by today, but I suppose fate had something else in mind. Or maybe I was just being lazy. Or maybe it was the fact that I had to drive all the way out to Billings to bail my cousin out of Juvy AGAIN and didn't get any writing done. Eh, what are you gonna do? :P_

_Anyways, this is a shout-out to KayXClankForever! I was originally not going to have Clank make an appearance in this because I'll admit, I had no idea where to put him. But since you asked so nicely, I decided I'd give him a little hoorah. Even if it was kind of short._

_Thanks for reading, and I hope you all ate lots of chocolate today! And if not, well...um...image you're eating chocolate anyways. XD_

_Or if it's three years after I posted this chapter, and it's like the 15th of September for you right now, pretend you're eating chocolate on Valentine's Day._

_~Stohne Rohse~~!_


End file.
